i think the last time i went on here was months, months, months ago. nothing at all is updated XD

i dont really want to take the time to do that right now tho
but i do want to take a short amount of time writing a new blog

just short tho

hmmmm

schools been fantastic
i've met some amazing people from the track team, im so incredibly glad i joined.

i want to stay single! eeek lets see how long that will last
boyfriends are too complicated for me. i always end up pushing thema way. i like being on my own. i dont need the security of a boy thing gosh

ne way
thats it for now
i want to write a lot mmore actually
but not right now! i cant!

its only been like three months as of tomorrow.
but its not going fantastic.
and its because i dont see him so much that my feelings arent strong at all at times, maybe not even there.

like it sounds ridiculous but its like i have no time for him.
im gettin stressed with school and i have so much going on. and i know i procrastinate but im not going to not do that for him, im sorry but no boy has ever or will ever make me not procrastinate really.
i want a day to relax, by myself, try to not be stressed.
he wants me to take that day and give it to him. i feel like thats too much though...especially for someone who i dont even feel anything for at that moment.
but even if i did, i dont think i'd really wanna give that up. i dont recall very many times when i have for just a boy.

i've said i loved him already but only like twice maybe three times. but sometimes i wish i didnt just so i didnt feel bad...idk it makes me feel bad because i dont wanna say it all the time....with all this i feel pressure and anger from him like david did...its too much...




i doubt he'd read this. as far as i know, he doesnt even know my deviant art exists...i think ...i dont know actually.
if he does, oh well.
what have i to hide.










what i really wanna do...is get rid of my feelings for marcos....i dont even know why i STILL like him. i need to actually, honestly know he doesnt like me and then i will surely be able to let go. but i really dont want to ask, especially when im with someone because i feel like its betrayal but i need to get rid of the feelings to move on....
everytime he goes away finally....then he pops up! and starts flirting with me or does jus somthin little that totally gets me..i dont like that........he should jus go away...







everytime i think of ryan....its empty. my head has empty thots when it comes to him. i have finally erased him.
if i wanted to, of course i could recall plenty of things that i either hated or loved.
but im kinda convinced by now that he totally doesnt give a shit about me.....and it doesnt hurt unless i knew that directly.







last night when i was with mikey....i felt so close to him. i felt like it was the beginning again, like i just wanted him and only him. i saw it again. and its so unfair that i feel nothing at times but i cant help it. yeah i can go out of my way to see him but i just dont have any motivation to do so. if i have time to spare for anyone at all, its most likely gonna be for him and it has been. sometimes i feel i think i wanna keep him. but...i think agian and i get scared...










***oh and my mood isn't "shame"
the mood thing just wont work again.

what i wanted to put was "hopeless"

i feel like its not over.
but its useless.

this is all self-inflicted.
i dont even know any more.

i went quiet afterward.....as soon as that went through to me i wanted to punch a wall, scream, and fall down and just cry.

i couldnt...i was in class....instead i just asked her for a bathroom pass and walked right out and sat by the concrete by the class and cried hard.....i didnt really hurt myself much...jus punched the wall and slammed my hand on it...i just didn't know what to do, i wanted to stop hurting thats all.

today at lunch i wanted to kick really hard but it wasnt really THEM i wanted to hurt....just whatever pain i felt and at that moment i felt they were the pain...well they ARE the source but i just want to kick the pain out.



i dont want aaron.....i need him to just get out of my life...i cant do this...
i dont want marcos.....he doesnt even care and just whatever.

there was one point where i was almost going to throw this thing away...but for some reason i didnt....i still had hope.


im stupid.
i feel stupid.
i feel like its my fault.





in 6th period, i didnt feel a TON better but a bit. so after the test i asked for a bathroom pass again and walked around and then wen i walked around the hall, i saw jeremy and he asked what was wrong and i started crying again. it's so sweet that jeremy hugged me and whipped my eyes and just cared that i was crying. it was real sweet and i thanked him so much because i did feel better because i finally said something.






what do i want?
to not be used.
and that may seem irrelevent to everything else thats been written but thats something else i need to explain.














im going to homecoming again this year
aaron asked me out to it
but

i was with naomi most the time and hilary as well. both so sweet<3


we ended up going to monterey
we went to mcdonalds for breakfast which i feel lame for only cuz i feel lame for eatin fast food

then we went bowling
then we went paddling or whatever you call it with the boat or floater and two ppl kick and two ppl sit

then boys and girls split up, girls went to the beach to have lunch and guys to the park to have lunch
and then we switched
then from there we went biking which was the best part for me

then we went to dinner

and home


on the bus ride home me and naomi sang most the time a bunch of songs, trying to find songs we both knew. awh she's so lucky she knows how to harmonize haha its so prettyyyyy




oh and i made two wishes today.
both involving ryan but they werent exactly what you might be thinking.


mmm i cant believe what i wrote in the sand..ugh and hilary caught me hahah