its only been like three months as of tomorrow.
but its not going fantastic.
and its because i dont see him so much that my feelings arent strong at all at times, maybe not even there.

like it sounds ridiculous but its like i have no time for him.
im gettin stressed with school and i have so much going on. and i know i procrastinate but im not going to not do that for him, im sorry but no boy has ever or will ever make me not procrastinate really.
i want a day to relax, by myself, try to not be stressed.
he wants me to take that day and give it to him. i feel like thats too much though...especially for someone who i dont even feel anything for at that moment.
but even if i did, i dont think i'd really wanna give that up. i dont recall very many times when i have for just a boy.

i've said i loved him already but only like twice maybe three times. but sometimes i wish i didnt just so i didnt feel bad...idk it makes me feel bad because i dont wanna say it all the time....with all this i feel pressure and anger from him like david did...its too much...




i doubt he'd read this. as far as i know, he doesnt even know my deviant art exists...i think ...i dont know actually.
if he does, oh well.
what have i to hide.










what i really wanna do...is get rid of my feelings for marcos....i dont even know why i STILL like him. i need to actually, honestly know he doesnt like me and then i will surely be able to let go. but i really dont want to ask, especially when im with someone because i feel like its betrayal but i need to get rid of the feelings to move on....
everytime he goes away finally....then he pops up! and starts flirting with me or does jus somthin little that totally gets me..i dont like that........he should jus go away...







everytime i think of ryan....its empty. my head has empty thots when it comes to him. i have finally erased him.
if i wanted to, of course i could recall plenty of things that i either hated or loved.
but im kinda convinced by now that he totally doesnt give a shit about me.....and it doesnt hurt unless i knew that directly.







last night when i was with mikey....i felt so close to him. i felt like it was the beginning again, like i just wanted him and only him. i saw it again. and its so unfair that i feel nothing at times but i cant help it. yeah i can go out of my way to see him but i just dont have any motivation to do so. if i have time to spare for anyone at all, its most likely gonna be for him and it has been. sometimes i feel i think i wanna keep him. but...i think agian and i get scared...










***oh and my mood isn't "shame"
the mood thing just wont work again.

what i wanted to put was "hopeless"